iNtRoSpEctIoN

2006-02-17T22:12:00.000+08:00

"i guess this what loneliness means in its truest essence. that eventhough ur amidst happy faces. it still feels like ur locked in an empty room alone. that even if you scream at the top of ur lungs no one can hear u. no one can understand :( and u realize that they go on with their own lives without them knowing that im cryin desperately for help :( for the most painful tear doesnt fall in the eye. it flows endlessly in the heart. :( "

Marco Lopez III

2006-01-06T19:59:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year!

It seemed like a year since i havent made an entry here. So much has happened in the 365 days that just passed and it felt like ive spent 300 days of heartaches, 60 days of frustrations and five days of great joy. Perhaps the monkey did not really like me. That is, if astrology was truly real. Good thing i never bothered to document the painful events. I have managed to become a fuguist.

I wonder what this year will bring. For sure piles of paper works will be waiting on my table and our ever meticulous regional director will finally hang me for being tardy all the time :) shhh.. she doesnt know that. She is just working so hard and shes squeezing us to give all we have for the agency.... in service to humanity....
waaah! i dont want to be an old maid. I am already living a solitary life and i dont intend to keep it like that forever. I hope the queen of hearts will be kinder this time. After a series of virtual relationships, my heart is already partly damaged :) Maybe this year i shall try something real.
But first.... Who can befriend a pitbull?

2005-10-31T19:49:00.000+08:00

Goner

It's halloweeen. My life is flashing in my mind and the memories are haunting me again. Everyone is out to a party while i remain placid in my room as if im floating in the water, unmindful of what's happening around me.

Every one is unreachable. Where are my friends when i need them? They cant hear my voice or see my hand. If there is a Handyman nearby where i could purchase what i need. But there is none and no one can obviously hear when i cant also speak. I cant let them see my frailties. They are too busy. They wouldnt understand.

I thought i am caloused. I thought im already strong. Yet i am broken and i should talk to my Creator before i become a goner.

2005-08-31T23:21:00.000+08:00

Crossroad

What a great feeling to be with my bestfriend once again after such a long time of plowing our own fields. Although we meet and talk once in awhile but not as we have really opened up our anxieties during dinner this evening. I thought she has turned into a materialistic, money-driven ogre from a lowly and optimistic person that i have known her to be. But she's back! Thanks to Jinky who radiated her own life realization to her sister.

I miss her. The old times... riding a bike in the narrow city streets, hiking, talking for hours... Thank God He made me human again. I shouldnt hide in my cocooon for too long. There are so many good things in the world to enjoy. Things that reflect God's glory.

Together we dont look like bestfriends but like sisters. It will be fun with Mimi too. I havent crossed her path lately.

2005-08-30T12:43:00.000+08:00

what happened to my blog? somethings wrong

2005-08-29T21:17:00.000+08:00

Auf Wiedersehen

I can't imagine saying goodbye to marco. It's as difficult as breaking a habit that you are already addicted to. Apart from the emotional attachment, its unbearable to think what he could do to himself. Guilt is more than a torture for leaving marco is comparable to killing a human being.

Tonight i will finally break up with him especially that Con, his bestfriend thinks its the wisest thing to do to alleviate his situation. How shall i say it? I am too transparent to ever hide anything. What will happen to me after tonight? No one will wait for me from work everyday anymore or call me in the middle of the night and listen to my snores.

Tonight i would be alone... again just as i had been many many years before.
Oh no! Hes here! What shall i say?

2005-08-29T12:56:00.001+08:00

Moving Forward

Im moving on.... I wont push myself on anyone anymore. Im leaving the past behind including whats not meant for me at present. Life's like that. You cant take more than a handful of what you want. Instead, you just need to learn to appreciate the world around you and share yourself rather than expect to have a share of other people's life. Introspection has sometimes made me selfish. I should focus on how i can be of help to others now and take care of myself at the same time. There are just so many things that need to be done at such very limited time.

Time... is the greatest friend and enemy of my life.

2005-08-24T22:42:00.000+08:00

A Dig-Dug Pit

How many hearts do I have? why do i easily fall in love? An ample of attention here, a little wheedling there and my hypothalamus is already flattered.

Marco is back but hes still unreachable and our time difference is markedly becoming a great barrier to our relationship. On the otherhand, mark is always online. He is again ideal with his conservatism and cautious behavior. The problem is... he is not looking at me but merely on the screen on his computer while he is resolving either an endless technical program or his ambivalence towards his dream and the characters he wishes to compose his future life story. Sigh! I am still invisible. Im musing on the effect of my daily contact with him. (Music in my ear) Could it be Janno singing? or is this just another one of my wishful thinking?

Indeed, i am such a humanist. Believing in the innate goodness of men, i see most of them as ideal yet many of them do not fit in to my utopic standards. Cowmon! Know what you really want first and "be careful with what you ask for......"

2005-08-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

Dear Me...

Its been a long time
I havent left a note as it seemed to me that
Introspection only trapped me in my thoughts
Away from the world of reality
Yet sometimes youre the only one there
together with my music and the angel who watches over me
while my friends are busy with their babies and hubbies
I find it more appropriate to blog than drown em with my musings

What am i doing?
I dont know how to write poetry anymore
I think there is a wall that blocks my unconscious
Yet i am blogging.... to let you know im okay

2005-08-11T23:06:00.000+08:00

Inhaling the Bright Light

First: Read the Purpose Driven Life

Thanks to em. He taught me the key ingredient to commence a new phase of change into my life. Via Veritas Vita.... God is my Way... the Only Way, Truth and Life...

Why is it so difficult to follow You, Lord?

Second: The Bible

Ive read quite a lot of self-help books and even recently added a few websites into my bookmarks. Yet nothing could give a better source of strength and wisdom than God does in the Bible. Funny ive been looking for Him for such a long time, not realizing that He has been with me all the time... Talked to me most of the time... slept on Him... ignored Him.... leaned on Him.... through the Bible...

Thank you Lord for always being here with me. Thank you for your counsels and all the comfort during the times of my afflictions. Give me the perseverance to know more about you and to listen to you through your Words.

Third: Reaching Out

Hmmmmm.......... the line is busy...

Fourth: Get more inspirations from other people's experiences and published knowledge.
Ok... Im reading...I know Im just too lazy to do anything but i promise i will read and read

Fifth: Know Thyself

Im befriending my self..........shhhh.........

2005-08-09T23:12:00.000+08:00

Brown Butterfly

No more word from marco's cousin
No text from con.
....A brown butterfly nestled on the window
Could he be gone?

I cant think about it. He cant leave me here
Because i pledged to myself to wait for him
for at least another three years

While he lies on his hospital bed
Here i am afflicted with depression
So many conflicts unresolved in my mind
And spiritual battles creep within

I wish Em is right
"A brown butterfly is just a brown butterfly"
And that I should rather read the Purpose-Driven Life
Alas! I need God's mercy
Will He save marco's life?

I believe..........
That He will...............

2005-08-04T18:12:00.000+08:00

Follow The Yellow Brick Road

I think... I want to be chaste...

Is there still a room for me?
in this world where naivete is unconventional
or perhaps antisocial in the precepts of men?
I feel lost and perplexed.
If only i could easily go on with life
without a tinge of guilt in my conscience
then life wouldnt be so difficult at all
in fact, i am already troubled with guilt
for i am not a saint either.
But i wish someone is here to guide me on which road to choose
Yes the Bible is there, pip is there, em pops up and goes......

would life be too boring if im confined with the rules?
would it become onerous if i obey whats in store in my id?
Sigh. Which one is it?

2005-07-30T08:24:00.000+08:00

Brand New Day

I woke up refreshed this morning. Time for me to live my life anew. Bo inspired me that its ok to know or say what you want. I grew up with my ego repressed deep inside me as my experiences taught me to believe that i have no right to ask, i should wait that i would be given or work hard in order to obtain what I really want. So now i want to put my life in the right perspective

I am starting to identify the things i want for myself and what i want to achieve. Funny how organized i am and how disorganized and sloppy i can become when anxiety strikes me. Well, this is day one. Let's see how far i can go.

2005-07-28T10:56:00.000+08:00

I miss marco. i miss his voice, his sweetness, his drunkenness and the romantic things he used to do. i miss everything about him but he is placing a great wall in our midst as if he is enclosed in a glass cage shielding himself with his wine. :( sad to see a lovely creature go to waste and i failed to uplift him.

God help him. He, too is your servant and if you wish, You can heal him.

2005-07-28T10:37:00.000+08:00

catharsis

whew! i feeeeeel a whole lot better. i feel relieved from all the stresses of work and other personal anxieties. a little yoga here, a little dancing and sit ups there. introspection has helped me reorganize my perspectives in life and i have likewise made a schedule for my 'refinement.' (absent na pod) hehehe.

its amazing how complex but beautiful life is!

2005-07-26T23:03:00.000+08:00

the police

christopher ughayon texted and it opened a door of friendship with him. eventually, he courted and it is deemed to be my weakness not to hurt other people's feelings. kit is a policeman and i dont want a police in my life. especially not as a boyfriend or a husband. policemen are known for their infidelities, inadequate salaries and the risks that constitute their life. no i dont like the thought of it. Not that i am undermining the potentials of policemen, for i am not perfect myself. and i cannot generalize their characteristics either. my idealisms somehow floated on the surface, much to the dismay of my friends.

anyhow, i paid him respect by not ignoring him and through our text communication, i realized hes not bad at all. hes one of the few upright and well-admired policemen who really uphold the law albeit he is not that good in english. he is a reformed addict and it is evident in his attitude that he comes from a family of good breeding.

what do i really want? am i just scared to have him? because of the people's criticisms? or am i merely afraid of getting hurt again. pip is right. i should free myself from all worries so i can be a butterfly again.

life is determined by the choices u make. the future is shaped by the road that you take at the present moment. NO i dont choose the individuals i go out with. i know i can blend with people from all kinds of races. i do not discriminate men. maybe im just being careful on choosing a partner. i wish God will reveal the patterns He is weaving in my life. I must hold on to Him before i go astray.....Whatever is His plan for me, there's nothing else to do but embrace it. Life....

ps. kuya Oyen remember how u once predicted it? he looks quite a little like you :)

2005-07-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

i feel lost. i feel like crying. i guess im all stressed up that theres nothing i want to do but sleep and stop worrying for a while. my work is too much. and its becoming unbearable without someone to hold on to or talk to about my worries or just anything. does someone feel d same way?

God has done marvelously through my work. Imagine how He helped me do things on my own, i mean manage all the activities without my boss' support or anyone from the PPA. I am nothing but He helped me through all the information drives i went through, how he made the PPA Week successful, including the photo exhibit. Lord, i have nothing left in my pocket and i have no one to hold on to but my family. And the business is getting so slow. SOmetimes i wish i can have another job. BUt this is the only work i know and i asked for it :( THe TC Unwritten Philosophy is right. "Be careful what u ask for, u just might get it."

Is there something i can do about it? God help me. Thanks to good music.It somehow eases d loneliness away. thanks to my cereal too hehe.

2005-04-23T00:00:00.000+08:00

who loves me? who loves me not?

i am getting older. i still have no steady bf yet. part of me feels pressured to find the right guy soon but it seems that the more i am exposed to mens' infidelities, the more i feel threatened to change my status. i am finally giving in to "God's Will" believing that with His vast richness, He can provide all my needs. But God is not too swift in answering prayers. Often, the devil arrives handy with enough temptations that only confuse my already desperate heart. i could harldy tell if one suitor is already the fallen angel being sent for me to finally experience the utopic love i have been imagining.

my ex has taught me that idealism could not exist in this generation and marco has exhausted my heart so much that sometimes i thought i ceased to believe in true love anymore. men, give me a break. have i become paranoid? i missed the gecko that gave me a twist of hope with its sound: he loves me, he loves me not or should i marry?should i not. hehe chapman hall that was quite an experience.

2005-04-22T23:06:00.000+08:00

2005-04-10T13:53:00.000+08:00

Mimi, Me, Maribeth and Nicole

2005-02-09T22:21:00.000+08:00

A Happy Birthday or Unbirthday to Marco

Hes a man who makes believe that he has no birthday. Ironically, he ceaselessly drinks to celebrate it. And we had a fight. People wonder if we really are still together because of the numerous break ups we made. Its crazy but im really trying to be here for him as a shoulder to lean on whether we are together or not.

I gave Con an update on the 'relationship' and how i contributed to his negative feelings regarding his unworthiness. Guess im already used to it now. Hehe funny i fell asleep while talking to con and she was again annoyed by it :)

2005-02-09T20:50:00.000+08:00

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Retreat....!

Ive been trampled for so long and i have allowed myself to be reduced to nothingness because of fear- fear of independence, fear of failure and criticisms. I found myself a victim of what Rollo May described as the fear of independence, the greatest fear mostly experienced by women in contrast to men's 'fear of dependence.'After i broke up with my ex bf in a 7-year relationship, i entered into several virtual relationships. they were all fleeting except for a peculiar relationship with marco which stressfully tore me into pieces after more than a hundred breakups and reconciliations. I have loved. i have trusted. i have spent an awful lot in my search for emotional security. yet, i still found myself alone and broken. IM TIRED OF CHASING AFTER RAINBOWS.I have recently heard a strong assurance.. from God. when He said..."I will never abandon you nor forsake you. What can man do to you? "

I retreat. i submit myself unto His care. I maybe alone now and lonely. But i am not entirely alone. Because God, the Creator and provider of all good things is mindful of me and He Loves me. I know that what i am feeling now is merely temporary. Cheer up. Life isnt so bad.

p.s. this is my favorite color :)

2004-04-23T17:57:00.000+08:00

April 16
1:00PM

Journey To Malongayon

I am sitting on the lawn of Malongayon, far from the hustle and bustle of the quite remote city of Escalante. Communing myself with nature along with the rolling hills and bamboo trees while ada, my colleague and the oldie barangay tanod are cooking the chicken they killed from the flock. I am wonderig whether we are bribing the family to feed us for exhausting our feet and draining our energies just to reach their humble house uphill. I am very close to the clouds and i have no idea how far we are from the sea level.

Poor little rich man. For the urban dwellers, he is nothing but an ordinary farmer. He owns hectares of land yet his illiteracy corrupts his reputation and sometimes disrupts the harmony of his life.

The house is quite dilapidated and a portion of it is feasted by anteaters. Inside it is decorated meagerly. A decorative made of strands of seashells hang on the ceiling and cut-out pictures from old calendars are mounted on the wall for visitors to look at. Albeit he is a mediocre for the socialites, here he is highly looked up by their neighbors for the vast tracks of land that he owns.

Clouds are getting darker now. We have to finish that chicken and continue trodding down the hill. Soon i will be comforted by the words of wisdom of Sister Maritess, my young grandmother and spend the evening with my dear beloved marco.

Sigh. What a beautiful, difficult life. But this is life.

2004-04-19T20:27:00.000+08:00

Im crazy over Sims. When i learned that Marco is suffering from a critical heart ailment, particularly cardiovascular edema, i couldnt help myself from being depressed. I played sims in the evening till 4am then woke up early and played again till afternoon. this happened for two days. Our helpers went gaga looking at me stuck up on the computer, leaving them with all the household and business chores. The game failed to cheer me up despite the number of hours i wasted on it.

2004-04-16T20:56:00.000+08:00

He hates his name
He knows all kinds of pain
He thinks hes ugly
Hes not aware that hes grouchy

2004-04-14T00:10:00.000+08:00

its been a week since marco and i talked. i moped, i cried and even grieved with the thought that hes dying. hes sick and i cant even comfort him or cheer him up or eliminate all the negativism in his system. con called and she comforted me a bit but i cant take away the pang of sadness within me.

holy week passed, my brother came home my grandfather died and marco hasnt showed up. I came home from d funeral parlor, had some chit chat and spent a wholesome discussion with my nun lola. i was almost convinced to join the ministry that i wanted to register my name on her list but i know i cant. there's marco. i love him. i need him and he needs me. my vocation is with him.

but when i arrived home. another fight for another discovery. this time i dont know if i could bear the pain. he knew about the friendster. i didnt tell him because hes an awfully jealous person and mere male friends mean boyfriends to him. i cant blame him though because of my past mistakes. yet i just cnt penetrate his thoughts. he perceives invertedly.

i dont knwo what to do. i dont know how to overcome the pain. he wants to kill himself. he feels like the pain im causing him would kill him any minute from now. Lord, help me i dont know what to do. i run out of defenses. but i mean what i said. i have no other boyfriend. i am faithful to him, if faithfulness means loving only one person and holding one person dearly to your heart. i could boast of my faithfulness then.

i dont know. i need to lock myself up in my room. listen to my favorite religious songs and weep till i have no tears left.

tomorrow ill confront the abayon hearing. i think God is so stubborn towards me. hes calling me to be a nun. i cant. i want to marry marco.

2004-04-04T10:13:00.000+08:00

My brother is home. Its great to have him around. I feel ashame that i envy his phone and i hate that my father shows partiality. My father tells me that its impractical for me to buy an expensive phone yet he wont object if i buy a tv or a ref. duh! what should i do with a tv? or ref? there is a tv in every room in our house and there's nothing wrong with our ref. I really feel bad about it that i spent d whole evening at the store.

Anyway, i exhaled all the resentments and i hope that this is just a fit of the blues. I have to console myself that there is a reason for everything. Heck there should be.

2004-04-03T19:10:00.000+08:00

It has been one year and 10 months since marco became my boyfriend. I took him for granted at first because of his absence and because i shielded myself too much from further pain. Last night i realized the relationship is not merely virtual and i learned to accept the relationship as it is.

Marco is no longer that difficult to deal with. His good attributes finally illuminated through our prolonged converations on the phone. I really appreciate his effort to change his behavior deliberately. Although he is extra super special grouchy and surly when drunk, he also makes me laugh with his childish but philosophic attitude.

2004-03-30T18:56:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was memorable. Marco finally opened his door for other people's friendships. He wasnt drunk for three days already and he's so sweet! After we excahanged gudnyts on chikka, he called me on the phone. First time he called without a trace of alcohol in his veins. Hes not bad at all! He was rather sweet. So sweet :( that it made me long for his physical presence :( Well thats how it has to be at the moment.

Meanwhile, I have to confront my situation in Escalante. Darn this place. Its awfully boring here and lonely. I understand now what homesickness truly means. Ive been to many places but this one's different. Should i stay with the Absalons? or should i move out with Lourdes? I know Lourdes doesnt have a conservative reputation but im not dependent on her. I just hope i could easily adjust to the place. The thought of moving gives me a sickening feeling.

I think my current assignment in escalante bothers me. I am totally unproductive this week. This shouldnt be. Im not apathetic towards my work. Im just presently unmotivated. If only i could purchase a bag of motivation somewhere. Life would be much easier to handle then.

Right now im still waiting for marco. GRRR. Marco where are you??? I hate alcohol.

2004-03-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOTIOUS

2004-03-28T22:26:00.000+08:00

March 24
Beside tta padz
1130 pm.

Strange. Lights are out now but cant help myself but blog. Deep sadness overwhelmed me. Marco opened my email account again. Hell do i care about that account. I hardly open it but he did. And he dicovered another heartbreaking truth. He found the picture of John, which i sent to Thea and Ann.

Ah! John. He looks ok but he's not the right person who can give you emotional security. Jun or Mark or whoever he is.... He knows how to fool a woman with his sweet name-callings. Yet hes a typical promiscuos man. He's a maniac, liar, aggressive, manipulative, and who knows... a psychopath.

Then there was charlz. What a hooker he is and he doesnt deny that. He's a child of a Marcos-crony who inherited the latter's deceptive nature. Thus, he's a con man too. I dont know why i allowed myself to be fooled by him several times.

My dear Marco. He is unique. Special. He is so precious to me coz hesthe only one who is capable of loving me for what i am and not for what he hopes i should be. I love him so much that somethimes my love for him sometimes becomes sinful as I tend to ignore God's lovefor me. He has a very complex personality. Possessive, an awfully insecure individual whose words are as sharp as a sword. Though he fills me with so much love, he also breaks my heart into pieces with his cowardice. One argument with him and my world becomes shattered. He drives me crazy and yes im in love with him.

But i cant let go! I promised i would never leave him. I never did albeit he claimed that i always leave him when the truth is he broke up with me about a hundred times. I dont know what keeps me holding on. I feel like im a leech clinging onto him or a parasite dependent on him and our relationship.

I love him so much. Hes more handsome than any of d guys who fooled me. He's the only faithful guy i know. He doesn't have a job yet but he's abundant with love. His sweetness is addictive despite my struggle with his tantrums.

Dear God. Forgive me for loving him much. Help me to help him and myself. I know you have a purpose for making our paths cross. No matter what happens, regardless of the pain, I thank you for blessing my life with him.

2004-03-23T20:27:00.000+08:00

My smart bill finally arrived. it wasnt that much but its very transparent for my father to see how much i spend for one person and comment on how extravagant i am. He just couldnt understand that my communication with marco is very significant for me. Anyhow, i still hope that there would be a cheaper alternative to chikka.

Marco's still not online. I dont know how to break the news to him about my 2-day seminar in bacolod. It would surely make him frantic and i dont want to have another constraint in our relationship. Hes not online yet. Help.

2004-03-21T18:54:00.000+08:00

So lonely. Life in escalante is awfully boring and dull. I heard mass and Fr. Tope celebrated it. He even mentioned the parish program that supports the probationers and parolees.

Later on, I walked through the streets hoping to find a familiar face but there was no one to expect. No cheerful smile to greet, no one to exchange ideas with. Except my clients. Clients during working days, clients during a lonely weekend.

Marco had his tantrums again this afternoon. He cant bear the distance or the few hours that were not together. People call me crazy to maintain this kind of relationship. But my heart is not a slate of paper where i can easily erase all emotions i have nurtured for him.

Darn i cant think. This woman over the counter is so noisy shouting in an internet cafe. She reminds me that im in escalante, a remote place almost away? from civilization.darn i cant think.

tis such a lonely place. I hope i can work out my relationship with marco. I miss manang anna and jarrie or my family. i just keep on missing till i have no one left to miss.

2004-03-16T20:02:00.000+08:00

I thank God for His goodness.

Today is my twenty-sixth year on earth and it's a happy day indeed. In fact, 'tis the happiest birthday i ever have. Albeit i have a bf who is invisible, his virtual presence somehow fulfills my dire need to have someone to love and be loved back in return.

Marco called me at the strike of midnight then i heard Mass with my father, which happens rarely. Quigol remembered my birthday!!...strange hehe but i really appreciated it.

God's grace is so amazing! I ought to be sad as it is my first bday without all the routines and surprises that i used to enjoy. Yet His surprises for me this day are greater and far more precious than any gift anyone could receive.

Chief Laluma announced that all the five clients who underwent drug dependency test received a negative result and they dont have to pay for the test!. Daniel, Dolfo and Doman's money was returned. Moreover, my trip to sagay with ena, carmel and joline proved worthwhile as i happened to make a transaction with vince for the livelhood programs for my clients. Imagine, i could help my clients undergo skills training for free. The opportunity is right in front of my doorstep.

Alas my stomach pain grew worse. i could hardly stand. Em gave me medical advice and so did kuya jett. Thea texted. Im grateful for all of them.

Thank God its's my birthday.

2004-03-14T22:35:00.000+08:00

Gwapa si Karen kag si Thea! yey hehehe