iNtRoSpEctIoN

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Brand New Day

I woke up refreshed this morning. Time for me to live my life anew. Bo inspired me that its ok to know or say what you want. I grew up with my ego repressed deep inside me as my experiences taught me to believe that i have no right to ask, i should wait that i would be given or work hard in order to obtain what I really want. So now i want to put my life in the right perspective

I am starting to identify the things i want for myself and what i want to achieve. Funny how organized i am and how disorganized and sloppy i can become when anxiety strikes me. Well, this is day one. Let's see how far i can go.

klouise danced at 8:24 AM

Thursday, July 28, 2005

I miss marco. i miss his voice, his sweetness, his drunkenness and the romantic things he used to do. i miss everything about him but he is placing a great wall in our midst as if he is enclosed in a glass cage shielding himself with his wine. :( sad to see a lovely creature go to waste and i failed to uplift him.

God help him. He, too is your servant and if you wish, You can heal him.

klouise danced at 10:56 AM

catharsis

whew! i feeeeeel a whole lot better. i feel relieved from all the stresses of work and other personal anxieties. a little yoga here, a little dancing and sit ups there. introspection has helped me reorganize my perspectives in life and i have likewise made a schedule for my 'refinement.' (absent na pod) hehehe.

its amazing how complex but beautiful life is!

klouise danced at 10:37 AM

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

the police

christopher ughayon texted and it opened a door of friendship with him. eventually, he courted and it is deemed to be my weakness not to hurt other people's feelings. kit is a policeman and i dont want a police in my life. especially not as a boyfriend or a husband. policemen are known for their infidelities, inadequate salaries and the risks that constitute their life. no i dont like the thought of it. Not that i am undermining the potentials of policemen, for i am not perfect myself. and i cannot generalize their characteristics either. my idealisms somehow floated on the surface, much to the dismay of my friends.

anyhow, i paid him respect by not ignoring him and through our text communication, i realized hes not bad at all. hes one of the few upright and well-admired policemen who really uphold the law albeit he is not that good in english. he is a reformed addict and it is evident in his attitude that he comes from a family of good breeding.

what do i really want? am i just scared to have him? because of the people's criticisms? or am i merely afraid of getting hurt again. pip is right. i should free myself from all worries so i can be a butterfly again.

life is determined by the choices u make. the future is shaped by the road that you take at the present moment. NO i dont choose the individuals i go out with. i know i can blend with people from all kinds of races. i do not discriminate men. maybe im just being careful on choosing a partner. i wish God will reveal the patterns He is weaving in my life. I must hold on to Him before i go astray.....Whatever is His plan for me, there's nothing else to do but embrace it. Life....

ps. kuya Oyen remember how u once predicted it? he looks quite a little like you :)

klouise danced at 11:03 PM

Monday, July 25, 2005

i feel lost. i feel like crying. i guess im all stressed up that theres nothing i want to do but sleep and stop worrying for a while. my work is too much. and its becoming unbearable without someone to hold on to or talk to about my worries or just anything. does someone feel d same way?

God has done marvelously through my work. Imagine how He helped me do things on my own, i mean manage all the activities without my boss' support or anyone from the PPA. I am nothing but He helped me through all the information drives i went through, how he made the PPA Week successful, including the photo exhibit. Lord, i have nothing left in my pocket and i have no one to hold on to but my family. And the business is getting so slow. SOmetimes i wish i can have another job. BUt this is the only work i know and i asked for it :( THe TC Unwritten Philosophy is right. "Be careful what u ask for, u just might get it."

Is there something i can do about it? God help me. Thanks to good music.It somehow eases d loneliness away. thanks to my cereal too hehe.

klouise danced at 10:33 PM