iNtRoSpEctIoN

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Yesterday was memorable. Marco finally opened his door for other people's friendships. He wasnt drunk for three days already and he's so sweet! After we excahanged gudnyts on chikka, he called me on the phone. First time he called without a trace of alcohol in his veins. Hes not bad at all! He was rather sweet. So sweet :( that it made me long for his physical presence :( Well thats how it has to be at the moment.

Meanwhile, I have to confront my situation in Escalante. Darn this place. Its awfully boring here and lonely. I understand now what homesickness truly means. Ive been to many places but this one's different. Should i stay with the Absalons? or should i move out with Lourdes? I know Lourdes doesnt have a conservative reputation but im not dependent on her. I just hope i could easily adjust to the place. The thought of moving gives me a sickening feeling.

I think my current assignment in escalante bothers me. I am totally unproductive this week. This shouldnt be. Im not apathetic towards my work. Im just presently unmotivated. If only i could purchase a bag of motivation somewhere. Life would be much easier to handle then.

Right now im still waiting for marco. GRRR. Marco where are you??? I hate alcohol.

klouise danced at 6:56 PM

Sunday, March 28, 2004

SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOTIOUS

klouise danced at 11:47 PM

March 24
Beside tta padz
1130 pm.

Strange. Lights are out now but cant help myself but blog. Deep sadness overwhelmed me. Marco opened my email account again. Hell do i care about that account. I hardly open it but he did. And he dicovered another heartbreaking truth. He found the picture of John, which i sent to Thea and Ann.

Ah! John. He looks ok but he's not the right person who can give you emotional security. Jun or Mark or whoever he is.... He knows how to fool a woman with his sweet name-callings. Yet hes a typical promiscuos man. He's a maniac, liar, aggressive, manipulative, and who knows... a psychopath.

Then there was charlz. What a hooker he is and he doesnt deny that. He's a child of a Marcos-crony who inherited the latter's deceptive nature. Thus, he's a con man too. I dont know why i allowed myself to be fooled by him several times.

My dear Marco. He is unique. Special. He is so precious to me coz hesthe only one who is capable of loving me for what i am and not for what he hopes i should be. I love him so much that somethimes my love for him sometimes becomes sinful as I tend to ignore God's lovefor me. He has a very complex personality. Possessive, an awfully insecure individual whose words are as sharp as a sword. Though he fills me with so much love, he also breaks my heart into pieces with his cowardice. One argument with him and my world becomes shattered. He drives me crazy and yes im in love with him.

But i cant let go! I promised i would never leave him. I never did albeit he claimed that i always leave him when the truth is he broke up with me about a hundred times. I dont know what keeps me holding on. I feel like im a leech clinging onto him or a parasite dependent on him and our relationship.

I love him so much. Hes more handsome than any of d guys who fooled me. He's the only faithful guy i know. He doesn't have a job yet but he's abundant with love. His sweetness is addictive despite my struggle with his tantrums.

Dear God. Forgive me for loving him much. Help me to help him and myself. I know you have a purpose for making our paths cross. No matter what happens, regardless of the pain, I thank you for blessing my life with him.

klouise danced at 10:26 PM

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

My smart bill finally arrived. it wasnt that much but its very transparent for my father to see how much i spend for one person and comment on how extravagant i am. He just couldnt understand that my communication with marco is very significant for me. Anyhow, i still hope that there would be a cheaper alternative to chikka.

Marco's still not online. I dont know how to break the news to him about my 2-day seminar in bacolod. It would surely make him frantic and i dont want to have another constraint in our relationship. Hes not online yet. Help.

klouise danced at 8:27 PM

Sunday, March 21, 2004

So lonely. Life in escalante is awfully boring and dull. I heard mass and Fr. Tope celebrated it. He even mentioned the parish program that supports the probationers and parolees.

Later on, I walked through the streets hoping to find a familiar face but there was no one to expect. No cheerful smile to greet, no one to exchange ideas with. Except my clients. Clients during working days, clients during a lonely weekend.

Marco had his tantrums again this afternoon. He cant bear the distance or the few hours that were not together. People call me crazy to maintain this kind of relationship. But my heart is not a slate of paper where i can easily erase all emotions i have nurtured for him.

Darn i cant think. This woman over the counter is so noisy shouting in an internet cafe. She reminds me that im in escalante, a remote place almost away? from civilization.darn i cant think.

tis such a lonely place. I hope i can work out my relationship with marco. I miss manang anna and jarrie or my family. i just keep on missing till i have no one left to miss.

klouise danced at 6:54 PM

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I thank God for His goodness.

Today is my twenty-sixth year on earth and it's a happy day indeed. In fact, 'tis the happiest birthday i ever have. Albeit i have a bf who is invisible, his virtual presence somehow fulfills my dire need to have someone to love and be loved back in return.

Marco called me at the strike of midnight then i heard Mass with my father, which happens rarely. Quigol remembered my birthday!!...strange hehe but i really appreciated it.

God's grace is so amazing! I ought to be sad as it is my first bday without all the routines and surprises that i used to enjoy. Yet His surprises for me this day are greater and far more precious than any gift anyone could receive.

Chief Laluma announced that all the five clients who underwent drug dependency test received a negative result and they dont have to pay for the test!. Daniel, Dolfo and Doman's money was returned. Moreover, my trip to sagay with ena, carmel and joline proved worthwhile as i happened to make a transaction with vince for the livelhood programs for my clients. Imagine, i could help my clients undergo skills training for free. The opportunity is right in front of my doorstep.

Alas my stomach pain grew worse. i could hardly stand. Em gave me medical advice and so did kuya jett. Thea texted. Im grateful for all of them.

Thank God its's my birthday.

klouise danced at 8:02 PM

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Gwapa si Karen kag si Thea! yey hehehe

klouise danced at 10:35 PM