iNtRoSpEctIoN

Friday, April 23, 2004

April 16
1:00PM

Journey To Malongayon

I am sitting on the lawn of Malongayon, far from the hustle and bustle of the quite remote city of Escalante. Communing myself with nature along with the rolling hills and bamboo trees while ada, my colleague and the oldie barangay tanod are cooking the chicken they killed from the flock. I am wonderig whether we are bribing the family to feed us for exhausting our feet and draining our energies just to reach their humble house uphill. I am very close to the clouds and i have no idea how far we are from the sea level.

Poor little rich man. For the urban dwellers, he is nothing but an ordinary farmer. He owns hectares of land yet his illiteracy corrupts his reputation and sometimes disrupts the harmony of his life.

The house is quite dilapidated and a portion of it is feasted by anteaters. Inside it is decorated meagerly. A decorative made of strands of seashells hang on the ceiling and cut-out pictures from old calendars are mounted on the wall for visitors to look at. Albeit he is a mediocre for the socialites, here he is highly looked up by their neighbors for the vast tracks of land that he owns.

Clouds are getting darker now. We have to finish that chicken and continue trodding down the hill. Soon i will be comforted by the words of wisdom of Sister Maritess, my young grandmother and spend the evening with my dear beloved marco.

Sigh. What a beautiful, difficult life. But this is life.

klouise danced at 5:57 PM

Monday, April 19, 2004

Im crazy over Sims. When i learned that Marco is suffering from a critical heart ailment, particularly cardiovascular edema, i couldnt help myself from being depressed. I played sims in the evening till 4am then woke up early and played again till afternoon. this happened for two days. Our helpers went gaga looking at me stuck up on the computer, leaving them with all the household and business chores. The game failed to cheer me up despite the number of hours i wasted on it.

klouise danced at 8:27 PM

Friday, April 16, 2004

He hates his name
He knows all kinds of pain
He thinks hes ugly
Hes not aware that hes grouchy

klouise danced at 8:56 PM

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

its been a week since marco and i talked. i moped, i cried and even grieved with the thought that hes dying. hes sick and i cant even comfort him or cheer him up or eliminate all the negativism in his system. con called and she comforted me a bit but i cant take away the pang of sadness within me.

holy week passed, my brother came home my grandfather died and marco hasnt showed up. I came home from d funeral parlor, had some chit chat and spent a wholesome discussion with my nun lola. i was almost convinced to join the ministry that i wanted to register my name on her list but i know i cant. there's marco. i love him. i need him and he needs me. my vocation is with him.

but when i arrived home. another fight for another discovery. this time i dont know if i could bear the pain. he knew about the friendster. i didnt tell him because hes an awfully jealous person and mere male friends mean boyfriends to him. i cant blame him though because of my past mistakes. yet i just cnt penetrate his thoughts. he perceives invertedly.

i dont knwo what to do. i dont know how to overcome the pain. he wants to kill himself. he feels like the pain im causing him would kill him any minute from now. Lord, help me i dont know what to do. i run out of defenses. but i mean what i said. i have no other boyfriend. i am faithful to him, if faithfulness means loving only one person and holding one person dearly to your heart. i could boast of my faithfulness then.

i dont know. i need to lock myself up in my room. listen to my favorite religious songs and weep till i have no tears left.

tomorrow ill confront the abayon hearing. i think God is so stubborn towards me. hes calling me to be a nun. i cant. i want to marry marco.

klouise danced at 12:10 AM

Sunday, April 04, 2004

My brother is home. Its great to have him around. I feel ashame that i envy his phone and i hate that my father shows partiality. My father tells me that its impractical for me to buy an expensive phone yet he wont object if i buy a tv or a ref. duh! what should i do with a tv? or ref? there is a tv in every room in our house and there's nothing wrong with our ref. I really feel bad about it that i spent d whole evening at the store.

Anyway, i exhaled all the resentments and i hope that this is just a fit of the blues. I have to console myself that there is a reason for everything. Heck there should be.

klouise danced at 10:13 AM

Saturday, April 03, 2004

It has been one year and 10 months since marco became my boyfriend. I took him for granted at first because of his absence and because i shielded myself too much from further pain. Last night i realized the relationship is not merely virtual and i learned to accept the relationship as it is.

Marco is no longer that difficult to deal with. His good attributes finally illuminated through our prolonged converations on the phone. I really appreciate his effort to change his behavior deliberately. Although he is extra super special grouchy and surly when drunk, he also makes me laugh with his childish but philosophic attitude.

klouise danced at 7:10 PM